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            Just finished fixing the wav files I copied from kenneth’s cds.. enjoy! I now have new set of Christian songs in my computer! And I’m studying the songs, just so I can do second voice when I sing in Church. Anyway, I didn’t put something here for the last few days, and a lot of things happened..

            On the 24^th, I thought my Christmas would suck. In the afternoon when my mom and my sister Angine just got home from the outreach program of the Church, my mom looked upset. She told me that we might not spend the Christmas at my grandma’s because she’s annoyed with some of my relatives.. She’s tired of understanding them.. so we watched a couple of movies on tv, then we went to the cemetery to visit my grandpa. While we were there my cousins and I took care of the twins, took some pictures, and the usual kwentuhan.. ang saya! We went home to spend the night with my grandma (on my dad’s side). The following day we went to Church and good thing we were able to spend the Christmas day at my grandma’s. My second cousin RB was there. Ahaha heart-to-heart talk kme. He and his mom seldom visit us in Antipolo, and it’s me that he usually talks to. Maybe because we can relate to each other well. He’s a senior in AHS, and since most of cousins study in a coed school, he’s more comfortable talkin bout guy and ateneo stuff with me than with others. Darn, we should’ve taken pictures with him! Hmm.. I learned something from him, that I shouldn’t generalize.. I kept on thinking that most guys are jerk, but he told me not generalize coz girls have their own evils. Hhmmm.. he really made me think.. I bonded with the boys when RB left. My kuyas, bj, and I watched some DVDs  took pictures.. they picked on me coz I was the only girl in the room, haha fun! I love them so much! Then I bonded with karryl, my best chum, her bf donald, and bj. Ahaha kulit ni donald, he asked me the question that I dreaded most, ahaha basta! Had some girl talks with karryl.. I really had so much fun! Kuya quincy drove my sisters and I home. I was really tired but I still had to fix my stuff for the youth retreat for the next day.

            The youth retreat this year’s the best for me so far.. we had some problems with the leaders though.. but it was fun generally. The place was great, but the CR wasn’t.. the place is best for camping. Kenneth joined us, and he made it more fun for all of us. Then during the bonfire, we were given the chance to give a testimony on how the Lord blessed us for this year. Of course I shared. I told them about my frustration over goin to Ateneo. That was March 12, the day I found out I’m not goin there anymore, it’s like a curse for me.. and goin to UPLB instead would mean hell for me. Until about August, the frustration was still there.. then the middle of the first sem I finally felt more comfortable in the school. I didn’t expect that it’d be as fun. Living in Los Banos gave me the sense of independence that I’ve been longing ever since.. I met a lot of interesting people, people who have become blessings to me. i also realized that UP’s the school for me. I’m not against Ateneo or anything, I actually consider it as one of the best schools (though I’m more biased to UP now ), but the way they teach in UP and their standards are what made me look up to the school more. Before I thought that UPLB is a place of perverts and bums, but goin there proved me wrong. When I got there, most people that I met were really concerned about their studies.. and surprisingly, I haven’t met a pervert, ahaha well, one factor would be my choosing of people to hang out with.. aside from my dormmates, I usually go with the Church people there. Best of all, God gave me the opportunity to get closer to Him by putting me in a Church there. Financial reasons forced my parents to send me to UPLB, and somehow I doubted God for not providing so I could go to Ateneo. A few weeks ago my dad left again for work in the UN. At first I questioned God why didn’t He give my dad’s work during the time when we needed it for ateneo. Then I realized, Ateneo’s not for me.. coz if it was, God would’ve provided at the time when we needed it. I realized that my goin to UPLB’s not because of the financial limitations, but it’s what God wants for me. It’s like God waited for me to settle and be happy in UP, and then He granted my dad’s work. What seemed to me as hell before turned out to be God’s opportunity so I can strengthen my personal relationship with him and mature as a Christian. I may not be rich with material things, but I’m proud to tell everyone that I have God and the people whom I consider my angels because they mold my character.

            After sharing the things that we’re thankful for, we were asked to share our goals for the next year. My goal for next year is to restore the ego that i used to havein high school when it comes to my studies. When I got in UP I started to feel really dumb.. after nights of studying, I wound up getting a failing grade (I failed my long exam in calculus, but I’m not as upset because my friends failed as well, only one of us passed). So I’ve been getting discouraged because of how hard my subjects are.. to the point that my goal’s not to get a grade of one but to avoid having take-twos subjects. Unlike in high school, I always aimed for a hundered, or 90 as the least, and I usually did. Now I want to lift my sipirit, and reduce my being upset about school. Then for my family, I want to spend more time with my family especially during week ends. I also want to gain more understanding and patience, especially when it comes to my mom. Lately she’s been a lil cranky at times because of stress..

            When we were done with the sharing, we were dismissed. Kenneth and I had a long talk, then I bonded with the others too. I was with Ralph, Nycel, Ate Gia, BJ, Alfred, and Princess. At first we were talking about ghosts, then we talked about heaven-about the second coming of Jesus.. then we also talked about my grandparents. All of us slept in the auditorium, saya! Bonding tlga!

            The next day we had a great time during the last few games, we were throwing flour at each other, ahaha kulit tlga!!! BJ and alfred joined forces in spreading dough on my face, I hated them for that! Ahaha! But it was great, the retreat has never been this fun! All of us went home with body pains, but what’s more importannt are the things that we realized. Fewer people signed up this year compared to the last, but this was much more fun.

            Then we attended the Lord’s Supper knina, and kenneth went there also. We’re blessed by the testimonies about how the Lord worked in the lives of many people this year. Grabe, saya! After that we went to the grocery.. so we got home at almost 11. then kenneth and I copied the songs from his cds to my computer. He can’t just leave the cds to me because they’re also using them in Church. Hhhmm.. while copying the songs, kenneth and I were finally eating our dinner. He told me something about someone.. and surprisingly that was what I was thinking also during the retreat.. hhmm.. I’m pretty flattered about what he told me, but for now my mind is into establishing the youth ministry in our Church.. The not-so-good-thing that happened’s a blessing in disguise because I found out somethings that can help in strengthening the youth group in our Church.

            The last time I put something here, I was wishful of having someone that I can lean on when I’m lonely.. but because of the retreat, I’m not wishful anymore. I realized that there are more important things to be bothered about.. this time, I’m gonna give my all to God. When I learned about how much others wanted to join our group, I was inspired to work things out with the leaders even if it’s gonna be tough. That’s what I’m into right now, serving others.. if a few days ago I was wishful about having someone, now I’m wishful about other people establishing a stronger relationship with Jesus Christ.

Wow, it seemed lots of things happened for today.. We had to be up a little early this morning coz we helped out with packing the Christmas gifts for the kids from the outreach program that the Church is handling. A lot of people were there, and I was just so inspired.. You know, seeing them.. Spending time in the Church to help out when they could’ve spent the time for other things.. It feels really nice to belong in a group of people like that.. Then in the afternoon I went to the youth band practice. guess what? I took the jeep alone going home! ahaha My mom couldn’t pick me up coz she was busy preparing some things at home, and my kuya’s not gonna be able to drop me home till 7pm. the practice ended at 5.45 so I insisted on going home alone. I don’t know, there are times when I just wanna travel alone, except during my trips to and fro Los Banos. I still prefer to be with a friend whenever I board the bus. Anyway, so after the practice a friend and I took a trike. The ride was pretty long because it was a little traffic, and the trike had to gas up.. So we were just there, talking about school.. all that pressure and stuff.. until the trike dropped us somewhere in antipolo town proper,Then he walked me to the station. The jeep was already full so we had to wait for another one. he told me he’s gonna buy something from a bookstore, so instead of waiting with me I told me to just go and do his thing. nahiya naman ako coz he’s already doing me a favor.. But he was nice enough to just continue waiting with me, he said I might get lost or something, ahaha people always think that I can’t handle some things on my own, considering that I can actually travel alone, all the way from Los Banos up to my place in ANtipolo. Then he just left me when another vehicle arrived. When I got inside the jeep I was thinking.. God gives you the things that you used to ask for, just when you’ve learned to finally let go of them.. To tell you honestly, that friend was my ex.. and if you’re gonna ask me if I felt something special while I was with him, hhmm.. I felt a little awkward.. but eventually I felt comfortable, because we’re great friends now. We may not be as open to each other as Kenneth and I do, but I felt good that we’ve been much better together as friends lately. I remember when we were younger, we wished that we spend some time without having my cousins around, and lately we do.. but whenever we talk it’s always about God, school, people.. Do you get it? wala ng mushy thing.. it’s so platonic.. and I’m really happy about that Now I learned that two people who had been separated can be good friends after all.

            I got home at about 6.45 and ate dinner with my family. Thank God I didn’t get scolded by my mom. she doesn’t want me to take public transpo when it’s already dark.

Then my aunt came to pick up my lola (from my dad’s side) coz she’s gonna spend the night there. So while my aunt was here we kept on bugging my sister about her prom. I was trying to convince her to ask Paolo, the guy she met from the soiree with la salle a few months ago. She said she’s got many soirees to go to next year to see other prospects for the prom, she’s more worried about her dress.. then my tita asked me who was my date when I was in third year, I just answered a churchmate. My mom and my  sister were laughing and teasing me. My mom kept on saying that I was hard-headed back then and all that stuff.. good thing she shifted to another topic, at least something that made me feel good remembering them. We were just laughing.. then my lola and tita left. While I was eating (again!!!) my mom asked me something.. and I answered her honestly.. ang galing, my mom really knows how I feel. Moms really have the right intuition.. that’s why I follow whatever she tells me (except about postponing my trip to antips like when it’s raining too hard, and I badly wanted to go home) coz she’s always right, ever since.. My mom just advised me to use this time to improve myself..  yeah, she’s right..

             Right now, I’m just chillin inside my room.. in my very loose shirt and pajamas.. I missed this.. since the Christmas break started this is only my second time to sleep here in my room since my lola from the province is staying with us. I miss what I used to do last year.. attending lots of parties.. or participating in the caroling.. going home pretty late.. taking a real cold bath before bed time.. thinking and thinking.. texting people till I fall asleep or tying up my hair then logging in and chatting till morning.. to sum up all of these: enjoying..

            This year’s different.. first, this past few weeks I didn’t sleep wearing my pajamas because I’d been sleeping in my parents’ room, and it’s not as cold in their room. next thing, I’m not using my sun cell anymore coz sun’s network got worse at my place.. then, I don’t get to sleep at my grandma’s place anymore because we don’t have carolings in Church for this year.. I don’t have the endless parties anymore because I’m not with my high school friends anymore.. we had parties in LB, but I was more into studying before the Christmas break because of my exams so I didn’t enjoy them as much. And lastly.. I’m on my own right now, as in on my own, no one beside me whom I consider real special, as in, no one tlga.. I’m not gonna say that I’m happier this way.. Complacent maybe.. but I guess this is the time that I should learn to be really on my own, coz for sure, more Decembers like this are ahead of me.. right before turned on the computer, we just finished watching a dvd.. and I felt so weird.. I felt happy to have spent the day with my family and friends, but a little sad also.. I’m not upset, coz I’m too happy to be.. but after a few minutes of trying to describe in one word what I really feel, I figured out that I’m just.. wishful.. I’m not depressed nor into euphoria.. just wishful.. only too wishful..

i was supposed to study for the whole afternoon.. but i was not in the mood because i lost my cd which has the invisible war. so i went to my lola's house and borrowed kuya dale's julia fordham collection cd.. when i got home i copied it, only to find out that there's no invisible war in that album. darn! and now i'm downloading kazaa just for me to get that song.. *sigh* ang tagal..

INVISIBLE WAR